Friday, November 7, 2014

Well hello again!

Let’s get real, shall we? Motherhood is tough. It doesn’t matter how many books you read, parenting classes you attend or advice you receive. This shit is tough. Nothing entirely prepares you for being a mom. You come to the hospital exhausted, but you leave even more exhausted then when you arrive. When I was on maternity leave there were days I would go without having time to take a shower. I would be ecstatic when my husband got home from work so I could actually shower and brush my teeth. Nobody tells you this stuff! Nobody tells how fucking {excuse my language again} hard nursing is. I bawled my eyes out EVERY TIME baby A had to eat. There was one point where I was crying with my mom and my husband walked into her nursery and laughed. I wanted to stab him in the eyeball with a fork. He probably wasn’t laughing directly at me, but it still affected me. He said that one day I would laugh about the trials and tribulations of nursing. Excuse me sir?! I will NEVER LAUGH about it. It WILL NEVER BE FUNNY. True story.

Every day I became more angry with my husband.  I still struggle with this on a daily basis. I had to go back to work after 12 weeks of maternity leave. Going back to work was a huge adjustment and I resented my husband for it. I would get 4-5 hours of sleep every night and then have to work all day and function in a professional environment. How in the hell is that fair? It’s not. I still feel like he hasn’t made as many sacrifices as I have had to make. It makes me angry all the time. Please tell me I am not the only mom who feels this way about their significant other?

I miss my pre pregnancy body badly. Before baby A I spent hours working out every day because I had the time to do so. I would run 12 miles and then go to the gym for a grueling crossfit workout. I would do that three, sometimes even four days a week. For “fun” I would run half marathons on weekends. I was VERY active. I can’t reiterate it enough- I was in the best shape of my life going into my pregnancy. Even though I gained weight during my pregnancy I was active the entire time. I went to farmgirlfit up until I was about 37 weeks pregnant. I stopped because at that point I felt like I needed some rest and I had a lot of random “nesting” things that I wanted to complete. I ran on a regular basis until March {about 34 ish weeks}.

Pre pregnancy I ate very clean. No fast food, no cheeseburgers, no candy. You get the picture? When I got pregnant, my body craved everything I normally would not eat. I gained more weight than I would have liked. My naïve little self thought I would lose most of the weight with nursing. THAT HAS NOT HAPPENED. At 3 months I was told to “hang in there, it will come off by 6 months.” I am currently 6 months and 10 days post partum and haven’t even come close to losing ½ the weight I gained. I am constantly comparing myself to other new moms {do not do that people!} and wanting to actually punch them in the face for bragging about how they have lost all of the baby weight + more in a matter of weeks. Seriously?! {I don’t really hate you; please don’t take my comment personal}

I started “running” again exactly 6 weeks postpartum. In the beginning it hurt, but it was tolerable. My hips and back felt out of alignment, but I wogged {run + jog} my way through 12-18 miles a week for about 2 months. Then all of a sudden it wasn’t bearable anymore. Not only did my hips hurt, but my feet were screaming at me. With that development I haven’t run for months.

My goal post partum was to start farmgirlfit back up in September. I needed to adjust to being a working mom. I HATE being away from baby A during the day and then leaving her for another hour so I can workout. I feel like I am being selfish for even thinking about going to the gym because that is precious time I am missing with my babe. I finally bit the bullet and started going back to farmgirlfit a month earlier than I had anticipated in the hopes that it would jump start my metabolism. I try to go two times per week, but some weeks I am only able to make it in once. I can bring baby A if I absolutely have too, but I avoid doing so if possible. Recently my MIL has offered to come watch baby A on Wednesdays so I can have at least one dedicated gym night. I am forever grateful that she has offered to do that for me!

Even with the added fitness the weight is still not coming off and I am angry about it. NONE of my pre pregnancy clothes fit. It isn’t just about my clothes not fitting, I feel uncomfortable in my body. On a scale of 1 to 10 {1 being the lowest}, my self esteem and confidence is a 4. This is NOT ME, but I can’t seem to shake it either! Tomorrow I turn 31 and my hope is that I can make this next year one of my best yet. Starting this Sunday 11/9 I am taking my measurements/pictures and participating in the ISABody Challenge by Isagenix. I am not asking for your opinion on the product because I am sure that there are a lot floating around. Just know that I made a very educated and well thought out decision before I decided to purchase my product. I want to be happy with myself again. I don’t need to be the size 2 I was before baby A. It’s not about that. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. If Isagenix can help me lose 5-10 lbs and gain some of my energy back I will be satisfied.

Early next week I will post my starting measurements and my general plan of attack for the next 16 weeks. I am not sure how often I will post, but it will be at least once a week. Other than shedding some post baby weight I currently have no desire/plans to run a race. Races can come once baby A gets a bit bigger. Right now she is my number one priority!

Up until a couple of weeks ago I had no intentions of writing Healthy Diva anymore. I even came close to deleting the entire thing several months ago. It wasn’t until recently I remembered why I started HD in the first place. It was to document my journey to becoming a healthier individual. When I started HD in February 2011, I was at a really low point in my life. Networking with all of you and writing HD held me accountable with my weight loss and fitness goals. I have finally admitted to myself that I need HD to hold myself accountable again. I need you to help me too! I thrive off of support and a positive routine.

I honestly debated writing this post. I thought about what I would say for over a week and then I still struggled to write it. My intention of writing this is to share my personal experience. Everyone’s experience with motherhood is different! We shouldn’t compare ourselves, even though it is hard to not do so. Hopefully you can relate to me in some way and perhaps I can inspire you if you are in the same position. Being a mom is the most gratifying “job”, but also the hardest we will ever have.

Please don’t read this post as me being entirely negative. I LOVE being a mommy and I love baby A dearly. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She is my WORLD. She is the best thing I have done and I am so incredibly lucky to have her as a daughter. I am thankful that baby A is happy and healthy. She is growing like a weed and everyday she amazes me by learning something new. Mommy-hood is good!


  1. Being a mom is the hardest thing ever. Being a mom and trying to maintain some level of fitness has been rely difficult for me. I can relate to this post on so many levels. Baby weight is a horrible thing. Let me know if you need anything. I am no expert, I'm just on time number three of being post-partum so I unfortunately know this road well.

  2. I loved your post, Tasha! It's real and raw and exactly how I felt through my first 4 months of V being born. Don't apologize for how you feel. I think you are awesome for sharing and being honest. You are inspiring to so many mama! Keep it up! Can't wait to read more posts!

  3. Tasha I felt the EXACT same way regarding: hubby, weight and loving Miss Bean more than ever. It's hard to say and hear "hang in there" because it just seems so cliche but you will figure it out. I gained over 70 lbs with Miss Bean and it was so hard but doable in 18 months to get it all off. You are a driven and determined individual and you have awesome perseverance and endurance so you will get the weight off and feel better about your body. You have your priorities straight and Baby A is the most important which I admire that you are all about her because honestly reading some of these moms posts that got their "pre baby body" back in 2 weeks gives me the impression that they care more about their body then their baby. Now that's probably not the case but the thought crosses my mind. I read a really good blog post by meals and moves and she basically says most of our weight gain/weight loss is genetic which I believe is a big part of it as well and then she says we really should be focused on our baby and not so much on our weight which I completely agree and I see you exemplifying just that :). I think it's hard to see and compare even when your not trying to, I feel my pregnancy this time has been a lot better then my first but I still find myself comparing myself to other Prego chicks and feeling bad about my body. I have to constantly remind myself, you're growing a baby and you're healthy and that's all that matters. If you want to get together for a talk, walk and coffee with our girls I would totally be up for that :) I also think you look really good even if you don't feel that way, you had a baby 6 months ago and she's beautiful just like you :)

  4. Ohhh T. I know we have discussed this briefly, but what an awesome honest post. It makes me want to just HUG you! I wish I lived closer!
    I did feel similar regarding hubby, and weight gain and all. I do get to stay at home vs I know how hard you work. BUT it has its own challenges too! I don't get to shower every day. Lets not discuss how little I worked out after H. I was also told that 'oh nursing would help you lose the weight'. This is not true for everyone! I didn't lose anything!!! at 3 mo post baby, I signed back up for Weight Watchers and did have success losing about 15 pounds. I did start to feel better and got a few workouts in off and on. I do hope this program works for you and I'll be here cheering you on!
    I am sorry about the running and pain! That is no fun! I do have to remind myself that I did grow a baby for 10 months and that pushing out that precious baby wrecks your body! I did not feel the same!
    I know that everyone wants it to be about the baby and I know you have less time with A than you would like due to work, but as the saying goes "if momma ain't happy - nobody is happy!". You have to take care of YOU first!! This may mean a break to go to the gym for mental and physical health! I don't do this very well either. It is hard when hubby has a hard time watching the kid. I will say as H has gotten older, I pretty much just leave her with him. Started with a couple hours and have left her almost a whole day. But it took almost 1.25 year for this! This is not the easiest journey, but in the coming months as A starts to learn and talk and respond and then gives you hugs and kisses- you will MELT!
    Ok I got wayyyy off but I'm proud of you for sharing and I'm here to support you any way I can! (Trust me I am going though all these thoughts again with the impending birth of baby 2!!!!)
    XOXO. :)

  5. Thank you for posting, Tasha! I love how raw it is and how TRUE it is. Being a mom is hard work. Working full time and being a mom is hard. Having a husband who doesn't understand the emotional and physical changes that go along with pregnancy, postpartum and beyond is hard. The weight gain that takes time to come off, when you have no time to devote to it, is hard. It is all hard, and I get it. 100%!

    You are an amazing mom and woman, and I commend you for your honesty! You are NOT alone and although early babyhood is behind me at this point, I still struggle with some of these same things. It does get easier but new challenges present themselves.

    I totally understand wanting to spend time with A, especially when you are away from her during the day, but taking time for yourself is so important, whatever it may be! Finding yourself again, both physically and emotionally, is healthy and necessary!

    It is not an easy journey but it is so worth it, and you will find yourself again. If you ever need to chat, vent or whatever, I am here to listen! xoxox

  6. I'm glad to see you back to blogging! YAY! I've missed reading your posts. And honestly, I love your honesty. It's refreshing to hear someone say how hard it is to be a mom because I feel like so many people are like "omg it's amazing and you don't even realize you aren't getting enough sleep because the baby is so cute omg." I am actually starting Isagenix next week, not particularly to lose weight, but more so to work on fueling myself properly so we can go through the journey together!


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